We should preface this review by saying that we love Butterscotch. Love. So this will not be a neutral review. Even if this sparkling water were mediocre, we would still be Butterscotch apologists. This is a pro-Butterscotch sanctuary, and if you hate Butterscotch with an undying passion then you should probably see your way out of this review right now.
Basically, Ugly would really have to f*ck this one up for us to not give this all the stars in the heavens.
When we first got the news that Butterscotch was Ugly’s latest Ltd Ed. Drop we felt like prayers we didn’t even know we had were being answered. That is how in alignment we felt upon the angels heralding the announcement from on high (aka we checked Insta). God was answering prayers we hadn’t even spoken out loud.
In fact, we’re not even Dessert People (Team Savory over here!), but when we see a butterscotch pot de crème on a menu, we make an exception. Anyone else grow up with Butterscotch Rice Krispie Treats occasionally served as the elevated, upscale twist on the prosaic classic of the common people? Well, that was us, and we’ve been hooked on it since.
What is Butterscotch? And honestly how does it differ from Caramel, its toasty and buttery dessert cousin? Basically they’re the same with two primary differences: Caramel is made with white, granulated sugar, with the heat cranked up to 340 degrees. Butterscotch, on the other hand, is made of brown sugar and cooked below 300 degrees.
Just knowing that helps us understand why Caramel has always intuitively felt more aggressive and common, whereas Butterscotch is so elegant and classy. Low heat, brown sugar.
So it makes total sense that we prefer Butterscotch to Caramel, because we also grew up with a delicacy called “Brown Sugar Sandwiches”: Butter and brown sugar between two pieces of white bread. Maybe now you can see why Butterscotch rice krispie treats were the refined dessert in our household. And also why we totally avoid sugar anymore.
And while we’re splitting sugary hairs, let us also answer the question what is toffee, which is totally part of the toasted dessert trifecta of Caramel-Butterscotch-Toffee. Well toffee is basically butterscotch, just cooked way more till it’s hard and inedible.
When it comes to pasta, Italian master chef Massimo Bottura claims pasta is either Al Dente…or overcooked. (Shadíssimo, maestro!) Either way, that is exactly how Butterscotch and Toffee exist in our mind. Butterscotch is the perfectly al dente butterscotch of our dreams. Toffee is overcooked. Werther’s? Really? Just don’t.
So now that we’ve empirically established that Butterscotch is superior in every way, let’s get down to brass Ugly tacks.
When you first open the can, it smells wonderful, but it really doesn’t quite let you know what you’re in for. There’s a mellow toastiness, a gentle caramelization. It’s the velvet glove of the iron butterscotch fist about to sock you in the face.
👼 🏵 🏆
The Bubbleverse wept.
This is our alpha and omega. It’s the Butterscotch pot de crème of our hipster farm-to-table dinner dreams transmuted by confectionary devas into sparkling effervescent goodness. Life-affirming, sugar-free, tacky tongue with the Werther’s looking candy on the side.
It’s toasty, it’s refined, it’s overwhelming. It’s all happening. It’s airy, it’s rich. It is a sensory experience of contradictions and harmonic perfection. Like our Butterscotch Rice Krispie Treats of yore were snap, crackled and popped into this bubbling can of pure butterscotch sparkle nectar.
On the temporal side of things, it’s hard to believe that there are no calories in this. As we peer into our can trying to figure this sorcery out, we detect an amber color. A color! But as we pour the buttery elixir into a glass to inspect further, the color disappears. Clear as the bright blue summer skies. We’ve long suspected there is witchcraft afoot at Ugly HQ. This confirms it.
This is one of the few times we’re kind of at a loss for words honestly. Our hearts are so full, our minds are so empty. It’s true what they say. When you have a transcendent experience, language becomes obsolete, intangible in the face of Eternal Truth.
That said, if you hate Butterscotch, you’ll probably hate this.
Sparkling Water, Natural Flavor
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