Nestlé…ahem, Perrier is a brand that we continually feel conflicted about.
From its dubious messaging around the veracity of its legendary French springs, to the corporate death star peddling it (yes, Perrier is owned by Nestlé), we just never know if we can fully trust the Fancy Way it wants us to feel.
It often feels as if Perrier wants to sell us Yacht Lifestyle aspirations when really, Sparkling Waters: they’re just like us.
But that’s not to say we don’t love them.
It’s just hard to reconcile how much we love these saline-dappled waters with the rotten core of capitalism behind the brand. We’ve taken the opportunity with our San Pellegrino reviews to gnash our teeth in futile dissent, but why stop there?
And there have been some new developments!
We recently got wind of Nestlé’s decision to dump all of its blue collar brands like Arrowhead and Poland Spring, and pivot towards only their blue chip brands like Perrier and San Pellegrino, two of our favorite waters.
We liken this move to the proverbial pig covering itself in cakes of makeup with garish rouge, trying to look ever the lady.
You may try to “premium brand” us all you want, but we see you, sparkling water slumlord that you are.
But let’s move our attention to the Perrier of the day, which is… Pineapple?
Pineapple is the newest flavor in the Perrier lineup, and it certainly caught our eye because “Pineapple” and “Fancy French ‘80s Water” aren’t the most natural bedfellows. Or are they?
Just from the aromas of the freshly opened can alone we get a sense of what’s to come. The distinct minerality of Perrier is already joined with some deep tropical scents, a lush pineapple curling around the crystalline solids.
And it’s giving us…White Gummy Bear Vibes. (Does anyone remember when this was a secret flavor at Jamba Juice? Is it still? We remember those days fondly). Either way, we’re ready to dive into an entire pool of this, based on the smell alone.
This is a salty white gummy bear. This is a pineapple margarita with a salted rim. This is weird heaven. It doesn’t make sense. But neither does the world, so maybe this is exactly the kind of vibe check we need right now.
At first taste your mouth does a little wtf because it doesn’t know what to do with all of this information. It’s salty, it’s ocean minerals with oxidized pineapple floating like a little buoy in the waves.
Let’s unpack this pineapple a bit further. Pineapple can be many things. Tart, sour, richly sweet and sometimes mellow and mushy.
We’ll admit: we find all phases of the pineapple’s life cycle to be enjoyable. This Perrier Pineapple brings us towards the end of a pineapple’s life, the softer, mushier expression.
It’s not super sweet, and part of the surprise your mouth goes through is reconciling the viscous minerality with the taste of a pineapple that’s kinda one day away from the compost bin.
But it all works. This is a dank little white pineapple gummy bear floating in a tide pool. We personally find this to be the “saltiest” of the Perrier sparkling waters, but whether or not that’s the case, there’s something about the way it combines with the pineapples to make this salty quality very dominant.
We like. But we get that this probably isn’t for everyone.
At the end of the day, our biggest qualm is how tiny these cans are and how quickly they disappear into our mouths . At 8.45 oz, it’s gone way too fast, and we’re forced to immediately pop open another can to continue trying to understand what double double pineapple and trouble is happening here.
Either way, if this is their new flavor and Nestlé is now focusing exclusively on a smaller boutique sparkling water niche, then we hope that they continue to offer us these weird, prestige (?) flavors. Maybe someday without the aura of child slavery.
Carbonated Mineral Water, Natural Flavors
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