Sometimes you don’t want a mango hibiscus lavender rose.
Sometimes you find yourself being dragged by tormented & craven entities to the deepest pits of the black abyss that awaits us all at the end of our sorrowful journeys. Sometimes you want to ride the lightning.
But for silently tragic aeons immemorial, when we found ourselves in the clutches of the storming madness of the shadow realms, the only succor dangled by the gods of torment were mockingly bright pastel demon-cans of fruity, flowery sparkling water.
No longer. Sinners rejoice, for the dark lord has raised millions in venture capital to summon Liquid Death Sparkling Water onto our plane of suffering.
From some occult and gaping crevice, some cursed grotto deep in the Austrian Alps, has bubbled forth a morbid spring. Lucifer’s aquifer finally loosed upon the damned. The armies of hell hath besieged Whole Foods.
Let us raise the black can to our lips parched dry by the eternal desert of existence, let us engage in unholy communion with the blood of the goatbeing that haunts the thin veils.
The tears of the weeping virgin pale in comparison to the Teutonic minerality of Liquid Death. The sweat of the crucifiers never tasted so crisp.
The ultimate blasphemy is that Liquid Death’s sparkling water is carbonated to about the same level as beer (5 grams CO2/liter), far less than normal sparkling water. But while you might consider that less than hardcore, it’s actually insanely refreshing.
And herein lies the deep, dark secret of all things METAL. The metal crowd is just about the sweetest crowd around. Underneath that tough, dark exterior there’s a soft, squishy sweetheart.
The same goes for Liquid Death. These sparkles are gentle. Nay, quivering. Those soft beer bubbles soothe even the most ravaged throat, desecrated and lost after screeching into the void for hours every night.
So while we might desperately wish to banish whatever obscene & iniquitous marketing hellspawn Liquid Death has conjured and is now slouching towards the bubbleverse, we find ourselves bound in eternal night, fallen from grace but thoroughly quenched in darkness.
Bubbles imprisoning me
All that I see
Mountain Water, CO2